remember when...

she was just two? i'm really struggling right now with this darling girl. five. a defining point in a kids life...i should know, i've been through it before with z but this time it just seems harder. maybe it's because i have one who's older and one who's younger. i feel tremendous guilt about having what some view as the doomed 'middle' child.

i am the oldest of three girls and see myself clearly in z's role in the sisterhood. i get what she's going through and can remember doing and saying the same things to/with my younger sisters growing up. there was a time at our little yellow house on the cape that my mom became so sick that i was left 'in charge' of my little sisters. i stepped right into the role of 'mom' and even remember whispering to my baby sister that she could call me mom now. horrific when thinking back at how very badly i wanted to be the mom that i would actually think our mom could be so easily replaced.

when we found out we were pregnant with s i can still hear those haunting words my middle sister said to me...'but r will be a middle child'. was it really that bad? i remember a great childhood and things being pretty fair between us. i think now, as an adult it's easy to point a finger at bad choices that may have been made or reasons for paths we had taken growing older. i have tried very hard to make things as equal as possible between z, r and s. z is at one stage of her life, r another and s is still a dependent two year old. r has her own agenda and most times snubs my authority. i've tried 123 magic. i've tried 'time outs'. i've tried taking prized possessions away only to have r in a sing song voice say 'you forgot one'. what do i do? do i wait it out and keep telling myself this is just a stage? do i take parenting classes? do i call super nanny? help!

so here i am just remembering my sweet five year old as she was when she was two. it seems so very far away and truly does put into perspective the deep love i have for her even though she's been incredibly difficult today. maybe i just need to step aside a bit more often and reflect on who sweet r was, is and will be. now that i've calmed myself down i'm off to give my 'middle' child a great big hug and a whisper in her ear...i love you sweet r. xo


1216614478s21580 said...

Oh, I've been there. Big A. was so frustrating and whiny for years and all of a sudden she's this delightful, sweet, thoughtful, wonderful girl.

My 5-year old is doing some of the things that R. is doing but the worst of all is when she pretends that she doesn't know how to do something. Like, I'll tell her to put something on the dining room table and we're in the kitchen (and it's a small house) and she says in a shrill, whiny, pathetic voice: "But where's the table?! I don't knooooow! Is THIS the table??" "No, that's the island you little brat." is what I WANT to say. It's infuriating. "But I CAN'T walk up the staaairs... My legs are too tiiiired." This said after she was just running up and down the stairs in a game.

1216614478s21580 said...

Ha! That lion pillow from etsy that you like? I saw that and almost bought the fabric for Big A.'s new bedding. I also almost bought the green and pink birds pillow from that seller. WAIT until you see the fabric for her bed. I can't wait!

Kirsten said...

Oh sweet friend, I too am going through the same things with my 5 year old. Many emotions these little people experience, anger, happiness, fear sometimes all within minutes of one another. I struggle to find the right way to discipline, to not yell so much etc.... Love to u....

meg duerksen said...

i didn't want to not say hello today. isn't parenting so difficult and wonderful and scary and humbling all at the same time.
they change so quickly.

but it's true that your love gets deeper with each stage adn pahse they go through.

this was nice to reflect on.
it's always a good thing to remember that love. and sometimes stuff makes you forget how deep it really is.