10/1/09



I haven't felt like coming here. It's so much easier to ignore the chaos in your life if you stick it deep inside that hole in your head/heart than to purge it here, there, anywhere. I feel overwhelmed (a common theme in my life) and when I get this way I shut down. It's like admitting defeat by acknowledging it and we all know I hate to feel like a loser. So I lock it up and wait and wait and wait until I've had enough and then I let the deluge begin.
Woke up this morning at 5 am to the sounds of gunshots in the distance. Hunters. I loath what they're doing. Turns my stomach inside and out. Makes me fret, weep, hate. Welcome to October. Run deer, run for your lives! I then had to pass those hate filled trucks, vans, cars on my way to bring the kids to school. I could feel my foot, a heavy weight on the pedal as I sped by...trying yet again to ignore what I don't want to see/hear/know.
It's cold out this morning...the leaves already falling...leaving a blanket of covering on the grass. Gorgeous reds, yellows, orange.
Melancholy.
xo

4 comments:

susan said...

sorry to read this pam. zoe is one of the brightest and best children i have ever had the pleasure to meet.
she is a wonderful artist and has unending creative drive it seems!
hugs,
susan

bopbopdesigns said...

Big hugs!

gina said...

A creative storm is brewing... an artist, perhaps a writer - whatever lies inside her - expressed later through compassion and understanding for others - of their pain. The most compassionate people I know are "sensitive" --I thought of you when I read this today;

"The child destined to be... (a writer) is vulnerable to every wind that blows. Now warm, now chill, next joyous, then despairing, the essence of his nature is to escape the atmosphere about him, no matter how stable, even loving. No ties, no binding chains, save those he forges for himself. Or so he thinks. But escape can be delusion, and what he is running from is not the enclosing world and its inhabitants, but his own inadequate self that fears to meet the demands which life makes upon it. Therefore create. Act God. Fashion men and women as Prometheus fashioned them from clay, and, by doing this, work out the unconscious strife within and be reconciled. While in others, imbued with a desire to mold, to instruct, to spread a message that will inspire the reader and so change his world, though the motive may be humane and even noble--many great works have done just this--the source is the same dissatisfaction, a yearning to escape." — Daphne du Maurier (The Loving Spirit)

I'm sorry- you are going through this - sorry for her that she is. I'm sure it leaves you feeling helpless. Frustrated. We'd rather take on their pain than see them suffer it themselves. It is hard to be parents. To love another person so much. My heart goes out to you - Take care!

Jess said...

found my way to this post this morning...and there were the words i was feeling...i also shut down....instead of tackling the million of things i should do...i find myself taking that extra nap! But i find that its ok to wait...wait for time, wait for the new light of the new day. i can relate...i have an intense, sensitive little girl who has such an amzing little personality, even at 5. thoughts and prayers to you my fellow blogger!