the post where i bare it all...

warning : you may want to grab some tissues and perhaps a violin

i don't even know where to begin other than just to begin.

it's still a deep swallow saying the words out loud. i'm pregnant. it's still hard for me to accept. i have all these feelings of guilt, self doubt, desperation, hopelessness...you name it. sure. you see me in person and you wouldn't suspect a thing...not.one.little.thing. i definitely deserve an academy award...definitely. things like this don't/shouldn't happen to responsible adults. but it did. and now it's done. i will have to deal with it. embrace it. get on the band wagon.

i'm putting myself out there because maybe, just maybe something like this happened to you and you can offer me some words of wisdom. some hope. words of encouragement. for two weeks i knew. and i was crying everyday. bawling. i felt horrible that my girls saw me so distraught. i blamed it on 'money' issues. because that's always a real reason to cry isn't it? there's never enough, interest rates rising, the economy sucks. but that wasn't the reason. and i lied. i looked my kids in the eyes and i lied. my heart was breaking in a million pieces. shattered. how could i not be excited? how could i not want this? my thoughts raced to nie...how she desperately longs to have another and can't right now. a loved one who lost her baby at 5 months pregnant right before christmas. a far away friend who lost her baby at birth and by the grace of god finally was able to have a healthy outcome after years of heartbreaking miscarriage after miscarriage.

how could i not be grateful? the guilt swarmed around me. swallowing me whole. i kept thinking about the judgement that would be set against us from family and friends. how we'd become the topic of gossipy conversation at every turn. i could almost hear their hurtful words. 'what are you stupid?', 'how irresponsible', 'what were you thinking?'....my heart breaking as i/we broke theirs. i confided in just a couple people at first. i needed help. support. my friend shannon whose friendship i treasure...we finish each others sentences. my friend liane who i've known for as long as i've known craig and who was the first person who knew when we were pregnant with zoe. my sister melissa...who is as close to a saint as they come in the human flesh. they were my rock for those two weeks. i got by. one day my mom sensed something was wrong from my posts (cry for help? yes) and she called. i cried the moment i heard her voice. she cried out of worry. i told her the first few seconds of that conversation and it was like a weight had been lifted. she embraced me like only mothers can and made me have hope again. made me believe that it was ok. that she was excited! why did i ever doubt her? never again.

i've been pleasantly surprised by the support from many family members when i didn't trust we'd have it. thank you. it's all still so new. something i'm really trying hard to grasp. it's not like my other pregnancies when i couldn't wait to shout from the roof tops that we were expecting. for this i feel guilty. i try and tell that little soul that it's not him/her that it's me and that i do love him/her. that i need time. that everything will be ok. maybe it's just that i'm selfish. we were finally getting things back on track. i have a job i can't wait to go to...i don't want to lose that. i'm almost 40. the girls are becoming more independent. we've been working hard to get out of the hole we got ourselves into. and now this?

today i am better. it still doesn't seem real. it's very early still so anything can very well happen. i am 7 weeks and 4 days...with a due date of december 5th. i had to share with you because many of you have emailed, called, left comments out of worry. i want you to know that the fact that you cared and said prayers for me made me feel so very much loved. has given me strength.

i believe this will be a blessing. i may not see it now. but i will. i'm not one for surprises. i like things in order. i like to have a plan. clearly this was not how i had envisioned my/our future. i will come around. i was even thinking about baby names today. that's a start, right?

much love,
p