the post where i bare it all...

warning : you may want to grab some tissues and perhaps a violin

i don't even know where to begin other than just to begin.
it's still a deep swallow saying the words out loud. i'm pregnant. it's still hard for me to accept. i have all these feelings of guilt, self doubt, desperation, hopelessness...you name it. sure. you see me in person and you wouldn't suspect a thing...not.one.little.thing. i definitely deserve an academy award...definitely. things like this don't/shouldn't happen to responsible adults. but it did. and now it's done. i will have to deal with it. embrace it. get on the band wagon.

i'm putting myself out there because maybe, just maybe something like this happened to you and you can offer me some words of wisdom. some hope. words of encouragement. for two weeks i knew. and i was crying everyday. bawling. i felt horrible that my girls saw me so distraught. i blamed it on 'money' issues. because that's always a real reason to cry isn't it? there's never enough, interest rates rising, the economy sucks. but that wasn't the reason. and i lied. i looked my kids in the eyes and i lied. my heart was breaking in a million pieces. shattered. how could i not be excited? how could i not want this? my thoughts raced to nie...how she desperately longs to have another and can't right now. a loved one who lost her baby at 5 months pregnant right before christmas. a far away friend who lost her baby at birth and by the grace of god finally was able to have a healthy outcome after years of heartbreaking miscarriage after miscarriage.

how could i not be grateful? the guilt swarmed around me. swallowing me whole. i kept thinking about the judgement that would be set against us from family and friends. how we'd become the topic of gossipy conversation at every turn. i could almost hear their hurtful words. 'what are you stupid?', 'how irresponsible', 'what were you thinking?'....my heart breaking as i/we broke theirs. i confided in just a couple people at first. i needed help. support. my friend shannon whose friendship i treasure...we finish each others sentences. my friend liane who i've known for as long as i've known craig and who was the first person who knew when we were pregnant with zoe. my sister melissa...who is as close to a saint as they come in the human flesh. they were my rock for those two weeks. i got by. one day my mom sensed something was wrong from my posts (cry for help? yes) and she called. i cried the moment i heard her voice. she cried out of worry. i told her the first few seconds of that conversation and it was like a weight had been lifted. she embraced me like only mothers can and made me have hope again. made me believe that it was ok. that she was excited! why did i ever doubt her? never again.

i've been pleasantly surprised by the support from many family members when i didn't trust we'd have it. thank you. it's all still so new. something i'm really trying hard to grasp. it's not like my other pregnancies when i couldn't wait to shout from the roof tops that we were expecting. for this i feel guilty. i try and tell that little soul that it's not him/her that it's me and that i do love him/her. that i need time. that everything will be ok. maybe it's just that i'm selfish. we were finally getting things back on track. i have a job i can't wait to go to...i don't want to lose that. i'm almost 40. the girls are becoming more independent. we've been working hard to get out of the hole we got ourselves into. and now this?

today i am better. it still doesn't seem real. it's very early still so anything can very well happen. i am 7 weeks and 4 days...with a due date of december 5th. i had to share with you because many of you have emailed, called, left comments out of worry. i want you to know that the fact that you cared and said prayers for me made me feel so very much loved. has given me strength.

i believe this will be a blessing. i may not see it now. but i will. i'm not one for surprises. i like things in order. i like to have a plan. clearly this was not how i had envisioned my/our future. i will come around. i was even thinking about baby names today. that's a start, right?

much love,


Deb Blais said...

it's not irresponsible...it's real life...real life happens to real Moms. I've told you before...it' okay to admit you're not superMom! None of us are..it's okay to make mistakes and tell people you've made them...it makes you much more real...the REAL Moms make mistakes and admit to them. this little "guy", and I do beleive it's a boy, will NEVER know he was a mistake...you'll love him just like you love your girls. But, it's a mistake, not something you wanted, but will want when you see his little face!
btw...December 5th is my bday...and I'm super excited for you! Jealous...wishing it were me!

jody said...

pam, i've been thinking so much about you and wondering if you were ok. i'm so glad you shared...that's so healthy, and it's so good you could confide in a few friends.
please don't feel guilty for your feelings. it's ok. life can be hard...and so unexpected. but we're never left alone, or given more than we can handle...even if it doesn't seem that way.
i will keep you in my prayers, and i do believe you will grow to love this time in your life, even though it doesn't seem that way right now. i just turned 40 and have to say that our baby has helped me let go of a lot of my perfectionism and stress that i was holding on to...a lot in part because i just don't have the energy anymore to deal with it, and also becoming a mom again but a little older does bring more wisdom and peace.
you are such a sweet, loving woman...be gentle with yourself, and remember it's ok. it's all ok. love and hugs to you! xo

Anonymous said...

There is no such thing as guilt. There are emotions. Having children is the most emotional thing that you can experience in life. Our little surprise (we call her rum and pineapple) is lying next to me, 3 months old, cooing and chirping. When we found out that my wife was pregnant, I walked around in a fog for weeks, hoping for the unthinkable. It's a shock when life changes directions in spite of your plans.

I haven't spoken to you in 20 years, but I felt compelled to reach out. You'll be fine. You've got a loving family and a wonderful support network. Don't be afraid to lean on them.

Derek Sampson, LS 1989

Anonymous said...

This is lovely news. And even if you don't feel it now...or even December 4th...you will when you see that beautiful baby...your surprise baby.

If you were thinking you were finished then I can totally see being thrown by the news. Don't waste your energy feeling guilty for mourning the loss of the path you thought you were on. That's a legitimate loss. Were it me I'd feel just as you've described.

It's going to be fine. You have so much to look forward to. Just imagine your girls fussing over the newest family member. And what if it's a boy you have there? Not slighting girls at all but there is something special about the father / son thing just as we have with our daughters. Neil was never one to NEED a son but there it was...and watching it develop was the sweetest thing.

You know how fast time goes with kids. In a few short years you're going to be right back where you are now...only with four. And you'll be SO grateful for the addition. You'll see.

I'm very happy for you. So add me to the welcoming energy for your new baby. Give yourself time to get used to the idea and even cry a little more. Let people around you be joy until you're ready. :-)


Killlashandra said...

Children are always a blessing. Sometimes we just have to come to grips with that blessing.

So I say congratulations!

And I don't blame you for using money problems, I use that one too when life feels like it is spiraling out of control.

Jenny said...

I don't even know you and I was a little worried.

You should move to Utah, people look at you like you're strange if you don't have at least four kids. By the time you're thirty.

patty said...

{ <-ok... see that there?............... & this, here-> }

hug. great, big, fat hug. big.

bopbopdesigns said...

I'm sorry it has been an awful few weeks for you. I am so glad you have a great support system. I hope with each passing day this feels more like a blessing. I think you are an incredible Mom and have made some pretty gorgeous babies, I'm sure this one will be no exception! My thoughts are with you!

Drama queens mum (Kimberly) said...

I totally understand. I have 1 daughter (who will be 3 in July). When my hubby & I 1st got married we had planned on having 2 kids. After I had my daughter, I realized how hard it really is to be a Mom. I turn 40 in June & just don't think I could do it all again. I hated being preg & giving birth. I also don't want to start over. We tried for like 6 months to get preg & it didn't happen (I was so relieved) & that was it. I was happy that we didn't fall preg, but like you said I felt guilty, that I didn't want another baby. Sad for my hubby, who so much wants another child. Sad for my daughter who will never have a sister or brother. There is a tiny little part of me that would like another baby (girl), but then my daughter will do some toddler thing & I realize that I made the right decision (if only someone could hand me a 1 year old baby & send along a nanny with it). I do think what if an accident happens, how will I feel? So I can relate. I do think once he/she is born you will be happy & love him.

Laura said...

Same thing happened to me. SAME EXACT THING.
Back on track.
Got my body back..almost.
Kids getting more independent.
Seeing a light at the end of the financial DARK tunnel.
and then...

WITH #4!!!!!!!!!

I hated the baby.
I hated my husband.
I hated everything.
I said stupid things like,"Well, I am not nursing this one!!!!"
I cried when I found out it was a BOY. (my boy gave me lots of trouble....I feared this boy would do the same)
I was sad. Scared. Mad. Guilty.

I was EMBARRASSED to tell people I was pregnant. I was ALWAYS pregnant!!!!! people looked at me like I was crazy...or they LAUGHED (that was nice), and some rejoiced. I wanted to be happy.But I was not.

And then, at around 4 months, I got a call. My doctor. Something was wrong with the baby. Maybe Downes. Not sure. But I needed to come in right away.

And in that single moment.......I fell in love with my baby.
It took the very real, very scary thought, that this baby might not happen...or that this baby will be challenged, that I realized I how much I wanted this baby.

This baby turns 4 years old on May 8.
I couldn't imagine life without him.
I tell him secretly that he is my best baby ever.
Because he is.

God has the plan, sister....not us. It is NOT in our hands. Has nothing to do with being irresponsible.
You are creating LIFE.
You are on to something BIGGER and BETTER than what YOU had planned.
Your life is about to soar in a direction that you never imagined.
I promise you this.
Trust God.

And congratulations.....