1st trimester depression...

i am having a hard time today.
as i did yesterday until i escaped my reality by going here.
your encouragement helps and i thank you for your words.
i feel lifted one moment and then sink to the lowest of lows the next.
i feel horrible.
writing gets it off my chest.
it doesn't help when someone says 'cheer up' or 'are you still in a bad mood'.
it doesn't help at.all.
i'm grateful (isn't that awful?) that some of you have walked in the shoes i am now walking in.
i'm glad not to be alone with these confusing, horrible, terrifying thoughts.
and i do know how much i will love this baby.
i already do.
i feel sad that my negative energy is seeping down to that little innocent.
i wish i could let my heart soar and dream like i did with the other girls
i try and go there but can't seem to break through that wall.
i want to escape for awhile.


Anonymous said...

Pammie, we love you always and forever, no matter what. We will be with you through it all, whatever comes. Lots of love, Bernice
PS Can we make a time for you and the fam to come visit on the Cape this summer and take your mind off things for a while? xxoooo

Anonymous said...

Pam, I know I can't really relate, having no kids myself, and I know that I don't know you all that well, but I know you can do this! Many people say that having kids without the fund to raise them isn't good, but raising them in a fun, loving, nurturing, supportive environment is really more than 1/2 the battle!! and it seems that you and Craig have that! I can only imagine how worried you both are, but I think everything happens for a reason and one day you'll find out why....Deep breaths, you can do this! xo Erica

Natasha said...

Oh, Pam. I had no idea. I completely relate to how afraid you sound. I would be devastated to find myself pregnant even knowing that loving my baby would be inevitable. There's nothing to feel guilty about. Just because you could love 20 kids doesn't mean you should feel guilty for not wanting 20 kids. I don't know enough to say anything more but I still have a suspicion that you will be a wonderful mom of four.

Anonymous said...

I'm a psychiatrist,(whose mother attempted suicide while she was pregnant with me) and I was blown away by your honesty and your COURAGE to share what others hide. That courage and honesty are going to be apart of your compass that guides you back. In the interim, please eat walnuts, oatmeal, turkey, nuts, if your diet permits and exercise if your doctor consents. Journaling is a wonderful first start. Some books that teach cognitive behavioral strategies like anything by Dr. David Burns like Feeling Good book or Mind over Mood might be helpful too. Thanks for your honesty.

patty said...

they said such great things... all i can say it this. if i was there... i'd take you for ice cream. you, and the girls. b/c you probably shouldn't have too much coffee right now. i'd rather go for coffee, but i'd sacrifice. ;o i'd take you for ice cream so that i could give you a great big northern-turned-southern hug and tell you, too, you can do this. you can do this well. (!!)