i'm here...

i'm still standing.
nothing is going to knock me down.
i say...
keep um' coming,
bring it on,
hit me with your best shot,
b.r.i.n.g. i.t!

team up thursday week 14

'games'
our theme for team-up thursday.
i love the 'game on' tee in jenny's shot...
couldn't be more perfect.
stella is poised and ready to roll her ball down the lane.
life is simple and sweet when games are involved.
never too late to play!

so,
it wasn't meant to be.
what a gamut of emotions we've been through these past two weeks!
i've been miscarrying since yesterday.
i'm ok.
i believe,
we believe,
that things happen for a reason
and our time for another baby wasn't now.
if we decide down the road to expand our little family we'll do it with a plan in place.
xo

there once was a girl named ruby
she's a good girl,
a funny girl,
a spunky girl,
and the girl who will come home with eyebrow piercings and tattoos when she's in high school.
oh dear.

epiphany

image courtesy from studio mela

i woke up today with a horrible migraine.
however i also woke up with a renewed sense of calm.
i had an epiphany last night
that settled over me like a warm blanket.
i have a supportive husband who loves me more than anything.
i have three beautiful children that make my day bright.
i will have a fourth that will fill my heart in the same way.
all the other stuff that makes me worry and feel shattered
is just stuff.
i'm not going to give two shizzles what anyone thinks about me or our family decisions.
i'm going to hold my head high and embrace this as a blessing.
i'm going to believe that everything will be ok.
that this happened not out of stupidity but because it was meant to.
this picture above hangs in my kitchen and serves as a reminder that i've got it pretty good.
i'm not saying i won't have spats of depression and hormonal breakdowns
but i will try like the dickens to breathe and work through it.
amen.

1st trimester depression...

i am having a hard time today.
as i did yesterday until i escaped my reality by going here.
your encouragement helps and i thank you for your words.
i feel lifted one moment and then sink to the lowest of lows the next.
i feel horrible.
writing gets it off my chest.
it doesn't help when someone says 'cheer up' or 'are you still in a bad mood'.
it doesn't help at.all.
i'm grateful (isn't that awful?) that some of you have walked in the shoes i am now walking in.
i'm glad not to be alone with these confusing, horrible, terrifying thoughts.
and i do know how much i will love this baby.
i already do.
i feel sad that my negative energy is seeping down to that little innocent.
i wish i could let my heart soar and dream like i did with the other girls
i try and go there but can't seem to break through that wall.
i want to escape for awhile.

365

random beauty
like life

the post where i bare it all...

warning : you may want to grab some tissues and perhaps a violin

i don't even know where to begin other than just to begin.

it's still a deep swallow saying the words out loud. i'm pregnant. it's still hard for me to accept. i have all these feelings of guilt, self doubt, desperation, hopelessness...you name it. sure. you see me in person and you wouldn't suspect a thing...not.one.little.thing. i definitely deserve an academy award...definitely. things like this don't/shouldn't happen to responsible adults. but it did. and now it's done. i will have to deal with it. embrace it. get on the band wagon.

i'm putting myself out there because maybe, just maybe something like this happened to you and you can offer me some words of wisdom. some hope. words of encouragement. for two weeks i knew. and i was crying everyday. bawling. i felt horrible that my girls saw me so distraught. i blamed it on 'money' issues. because that's always a real reason to cry isn't it? there's never enough, interest rates rising, the economy sucks. but that wasn't the reason. and i lied. i looked my kids in the eyes and i lied. my heart was breaking in a million pieces. shattered. how could i not be excited? how could i not want this? my thoughts raced to nie...how she desperately longs to have another and can't right now. a loved one who lost her baby at 5 months pregnant right before christmas. a far away friend who lost her baby at birth and by the grace of god finally was able to have a healthy outcome after years of heartbreaking miscarriage after miscarriage.

how could i not be grateful? the guilt swarmed around me. swallowing me whole. i kept thinking about the judgement that would be set against us from family and friends. how we'd become the topic of gossipy conversation at every turn. i could almost hear their hurtful words. 'what are you stupid?', 'how irresponsible', 'what were you thinking?'....my heart breaking as i/we broke theirs. i confided in just a couple people at first. i needed help. support. my friend shannon whose friendship i treasure...we finish each others sentences. my friend liane who i've known for as long as i've known craig and who was the first person who knew when we were pregnant with zoe. my sister melissa...who is as close to a saint as they come in the human flesh. they were my rock for those two weeks. i got by. one day my mom sensed something was wrong from my posts (cry for help? yes) and she called. i cried the moment i heard her voice. she cried out of worry. i told her the first few seconds of that conversation and it was like a weight had been lifted. she embraced me like only mothers can and made me have hope again. made me believe that it was ok. that she was excited! why did i ever doubt her? never again.

i've been pleasantly surprised by the support from many family members when i didn't trust we'd have it. thank you. it's all still so new. something i'm really trying hard to grasp. it's not like my other pregnancies when i couldn't wait to shout from the roof tops that we were expecting. for this i feel guilty. i try and tell that little soul that it's not him/her that it's me and that i do love him/her. that i need time. that everything will be ok. maybe it's just that i'm selfish. we were finally getting things back on track. i have a job i can't wait to go to...i don't want to lose that. i'm almost 40. the girls are becoming more independent. we've been working hard to get out of the hole we got ourselves into. and now this?

today i am better. it still doesn't seem real. it's very early still so anything can very well happen. i am 7 weeks and 4 days...with a due date of december 5th. i had to share with you because many of you have emailed, called, left comments out of worry. i want you to know that the fact that you cared and said prayers for me made me feel so very much loved. has given me strength.

i believe this will be a blessing. i may not see it now. but i will. i'm not one for surprises. i like things in order. i like to have a plan. clearly this was not how i had envisioned my/our future. i will come around. i was even thinking about baby names today. that's a start, right?

much love,
p

thursdays....

jenny and i chose 'play' this week
light and fun!
i remember as a kid rolling up the area rug in our playroom,
rocking out on my royal blue sneaker rollerskates
to dance fever and the grease soundtrack
(am i dating myself here?)
go check out the other dips here, so fun!
never too late to join!
XO

first day of april vacation...

we had a great day yesterday.
perfect way to start off their april vacation.
despite my migraine my mood was good and the company great.
we headed into portsmouth
which is one of my most favorite places to be!
we went to the flatbread company for lunch.
i can't believe we had never been there!!!
everything they serve is organic and free range
(they even offer gluten free).
our food was fresh and so delish!!!
the kids were excited to play with pizza dough while we waited for lunch...
they also got to design new menu covers!!!
after lunch we went for a walk
and ended up going to not one but two toy stores...kids delight!
ice cream followed and ended our great day.
super sweet day!!!!

cheese

hello my beautiful friends,
i am planning on sharing some news i'm just beginning to embrace...
it'll will be by weeks end.
in the mean time here is miss ruby
being miss ruby.
there is no other like this girl.
she is probably the most silly of our little ladies.
i love her.
we had a great day and have many pix to share
my head is pounding however and can't do much more than this quick post.
lots of love,
p

thank you...

i want to say thank you.
i feel your love,
your support...
and it means the world to me.
i will share with you
in due time what it is that's
had me lost.
i will find a way to go down
this path, this journey.
with hope...belief
that everything will be ok.
bless you.
xo

so lost

the words are hard to come by
right now.
i'm lost
really, really lost
and
swallowing
those words
so they are not spoken,
heard...
is making it harder,
making it real
i need prayers
please.

resurrection...

it never really occurred to me that
planting an almost dead flower in the middle of our yard
would be a good idea...
stella thought otherwise
so i went with it.
the lawn never looked better ;)

nothing

" faith, you're driving me away
you do it everyday
you don't mean it
but it hurts like hell "
-radiohead

siblings...

this week for team up thursdays
jenny and i chose 'siblings' as our theme.
i love her shot
two brothers making fun discoveries.
love the darkness with the splash of light in the back.
my shot is quintessential of the sisterly bond my girls have
and i myself have with my sisters.
you can see ruby is feeling stella's pain and trying to make it better.
what's really cute, sweet and makes my heart swell
is when stella is hurt or upset she wants 'her ruby' or 'her zoe'.
there is nothing stronger than the bond of siblings
you all know what i mean if you yourself have one, two, three....

eggs and more...

us

birthday boy
happy birthday honey :)
today he's 4?

zoe is lovely

the aftermath

treasures

three chics

old school

ruby comforting stella
you can see that ruby is feeling stellas pain
so sweet

oh stella
i definitely can't see you!

i loved this whole series of shots
her mood was perfect.

went to a great neighborhood egg hunt yesterday
on the plus side it.was.awesome.
negative...someone messed with my camera and i thought it was going to explode :O
after the fun died down i decided to see why my camera was beeping like an explosive.
my timer.
a. i now know i have timing capabilities
b. i think i know how to find it
c. still bummmmmmed about all the shots i could have gotten
d. will have a quasi second chance with another egg hunt today

have a great day
it's flippin 80 degrees here
weeeeeeeeeeee

i've lost count...

it's official.
i've lost track of my days.
this challenge is h.a.R.d!
*
we've had rain storms like crazy
flooding
doom.
gloom.
BUT
today was a beauty
hall-el-U-jahhhh!
*
we wanted to check out the falls
WOW!
loud
fast and furious
and rainbows galore!
*
good day