day 1...

i watched with desperation

as she fell back inside herself

becoming as tiny as she could

invisible

a heart shattered 

a soul stamped on

sounds of children all around laughing

surrounding her

as she fell 

deeper and deeper

into 

nothingness

as a mother you want to protect your children from everything, everyone.  you want to take on their pain, their worries, their insecurities, their anxieties so that perhaps you free them so they can just be a kid.  i so wanted to see my girl laugh with her friends this morning as i dropped her off at school.  i wanted them to surround her and hug her and tell her that no matter what they've got her back.  i wanted to see excitement in her big brown eyes and with it the belief that this would be her year to shine.  alas, none of that happened.  i don't know how i allowed this fantasy to even enter my mind.  i know how cruel children can be without them even realizing it.  i felt her pain deeper than i've ever felt any pain.  my heart shredded.  my stomach in knots.   it's taking all i have not to drive back to the school, scoop her up in my arms, hug her and tell her this is all just a bad dream....