she was just two? i'm really struggling right now with this darling girl. five. a defining point in a kids life...i should know, i've been through it before with z but this time it just seems harder. maybe it's because i have one who's older and one who's younger. i feel tremendous guilt about having what some view as the doomed 'middle' child.
i am the oldest of three girls and see myself clearly in z's role in the sisterhood. i get what she's going through and can remember doing and saying the same things to/with my younger sisters growing up. there was a time at our little yellow house on the cape that my mom became so sick that i was left 'in charge' of my little sisters. i stepped right into the role of 'mom' and even remember whispering to my baby sister that she could call me mom now. horrific when thinking back at how very badly i wanted to be the mom that i would actually think our mom could be so easily replaced.
when we found out we were pregnant with s i can still hear those haunting words my middle sister said to me...'but r will be a middle child'. was it really that bad? i remember a great childhood and things being pretty fair between us. i think now, as an adult it's easy to point a finger at bad choices that may have been made or reasons for paths we had taken growing older. i have tried very hard to make things as equal as possible between z, r and s. z is at one stage of her life, r another and s is still a dependent two year old. r has her own agenda and most times snubs my authority. i've tried 123 magic. i've tried 'time outs'. i've tried taking prized possessions away only to have r in a sing song voice say 'you forgot one'. what do i do? do i wait it out and keep telling myself this is just a stage? do i take parenting classes? do i call super nanny? help!
so here i am just remembering my sweet five year old as she was when she was two. it seems so very far away and truly does put into perspective the deep love i have for her even though she's been incredibly difficult today. maybe i just need to step aside a bit more often and reflect on who sweet r was, is and will be. now that i've calmed myself down i'm off to give my 'middle' child a great big hug and a whisper in her ear...i love you sweet r. xo
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